F1 2008 – The Alternate Australian Grand Prix

Welcome to the alternate Australian GP of 2008.

At the start, the 2 Mclarens stalled on the grid due to the new Microsoft’s ECU crashing. A 5 year kid in Italy managing to hack into Microsoft’s ECU from his gameboy. The rest of the field managed to get away though from the line. With most people wheel spinning away with the lack of traction control. Into the first corner, Kubica leading into turn 1 followed by Massa. Raikkonen, starting from 15th on the grid. Flies up to 3rd place on the grid. Waving at the stalled Mclarens on his way past. Everyone else made it off the line.

Towards the back, Sato makes his customary kamikaze attempt, and ends up crashing into the back of the stalled Kovalainen. Launching up in the air. Crashes on top of Hamiltons car. Sato gives a thumbs up to the crowd, who promptly gives him scores out of 10 based on speed, agility, looks and landing. To eliminate red flags, a new procedure has been introduced to clear up accidents quicker. Its called the “scooper-upper-digger-crane-type-thing”. Michael Schumacher has been tempted out of retirement to drive it, as he is historically the fastest ever driver. The SUDCTT scoops the wreckage and drops it the other side of the barrier. The wreckage to be auctioned off on eBay in aid of funding the increasing amount of support to carry Max Mosley’s head around the world.

The race settles down after a few laps. Honda then release their secret weapon. Ross Brawn been drafted in to turn their fortunes around. Brawn has developed a cloaking device for the cars, along with a photon torpedo launcher. Rumours are that Brawn enlisted the help of Emperor Klaghefgh of the Klingon Empire with the cloaking device. However, the cloaking device causes more fuel consumption, and thus the 2 Honda cars run out of fuel just after lap 18. After they managed to disable their Japanese rivals Toyota by firing a photon torpedo at each cars, causing the Toyota’s to disintegrate. However, Toyota’s new driver ejection system enables the drivers to walk away. This was developed last year to help get rid of Ralf Schumacher that little bit quicker, but the team forgot to install it.

Sebastian Bourdais, new to f1 this year was already proving a name for himself. By half way, he had lapped the entire field 3 times and was surely on his way to securing the best debut drive in the history of f1. Williams though, not wanting to be outdone by a Frenchman wearing glasses, declared war on Bourdais and called in their Japanese driver for a kamikaze attempt on the Torro Rosso driver. Bourdais was too clever for that. Years of living in America meant he was well aware of the power of doughnuts and thus used that power to bring Nakajima to a sticky end in his Williams.

After the all the pit stops were done with. Ferrari were still frustrated at sitting behind the 2 BMW’s of Kubica and Heidfeld. They decided to unleash their new weapon for 2008. As part of all contracts with Ferrari, Ross Brawn still had his computer chip installed. This chip enables the head of Ferrari to control their actions. Not wanting to be outdone by a team from a country thats famous for cheese with holes in, they switched on Ross Brawns chip. He then took his head off, which unleashed a million little spider type creatures. They flooded out into the pit lane. Aiming for Ferrari’s main rivals. No-one was quite sure what happened next as the entire pit lane was covered in these spiders who continued to multiply at a thousand times a second. But the result of this was, that the next car into the pit lane drove into this wall of spiders. Causing an explosion. The entire pit lane collapsed into a tiny dot in the middle of the circuit, leaving just plain concrete where the pit lane once was.

The next car down the start/finish straight was the lead driver – Bourdais. This tiny little dot was bouncing all around like a mad molecule making a high pitched buzzing sound. It suddenly stopped as it saw at Bourdais’s car was thundering down the track towards it. The crowd on its feet, watching in complete silence. Bourdais jumped on his brakes. The car screeching to a halt. Stopping just millimeters away of the tiny dot. A tiny little flake of paint then flew off from the G-force of the braking. Crashing into the tiny little dot. This then caused a tiny little black hole, sucking in everything, starting from the grandstands, eventually onto the rest of Australia , the rest of the world and lastly the entire universe.

The End.